Why <Insert Adjective> Women Are Still Single

People are always writing think pieces about what women are doing wrong. Whether you're Black, educated, Christian, or whatever, there's a think piece dedicated to telling you what you're doing wrong in dating. I've always been of the mind that being single isn't a bad thing. Paul confirms that some people are meant to spend their lives focused on God rather than on another human being. But for those who are meant to marry, and are following God it's important to remember that He's going to steer you away from the unnecessary.


It feels like every other week there's a new think piece on why some group of women are still single... As though being single is the ultimate worst fate in life. People generalize and come up with a combination of valid points and utter nonsense, then it turns into a bashing contest in the comment section. As someone who is perpetually single (mostly by choice), I thought I'd add a little perspective: I'm going to tell you exactly why I'm single.

Me First

I had only been in graduate school for about 2 weeks when a group of us began the talk about dating and graduate school. Would we seriously date anyone during our studies? Would we get married mid-program? For me, it was a resounding no. Call me selfish, but I'm not about to put in the work to get a PhD and then turn down my dream job because the Mr. (or Dr.) can't find a job in that location. You start your career with a two-body problem. Particularly if you both went to graduate school, and you're both looking to teach, you really have a two-body problem. I know countless couples where both people have a PhD and had trouble finding faculty positions. In some cases, school will concede to hire both people, but only one gets the coveted tenure-track position. You know which one it is? Usually the man... Industry isn't much better. One of the girls I went to school with delayed graduation (as in, she was finished with both classes and research, she just didn't defend her dissertation) so that she could graduate at the same time with her husband—he quit. She got hired by Google—Google, y'all!—but she wasn't sure if she would accept because, what about him?

Marriage and relationships are all about comprise. I have no problem following my future-husband around the world so he can pursue his dreams, but not before I get a chance to pursue my own. There's a big difference in leaving your dream job for the one you love, and never living your dream. This is baggage in a relationship. Every fight you get into, she's thinking "what if I had taken the job." The truth is, if I have all these dreams deferred because of you, I'm never going to be able to enjoy being with you. Sometimes, it's best to take time for yourself (don't think for a minute that this doesn't apply to the fellas too!).

A King and His Queen

I can't say I didn't go on any dates in graduate school. That little voice in your head, cultivated by Disney and the media, always has you wondering if this is the one. No one wants to miss out on the one, so every once in a while, a gentlemen comes along and you say, sure let's see what happens. What happened, was I realized I'm more of a feminist than I thought...

As a Christian, I'd say I have fairly traditional ideas about marriage. Except, when you change the equation... In the past few years, I realized there are a lot of men who want to be treated like a king, but don't act like one. I have news: the queen doesn't work a 9-5, the queen has servants, and the queen is pampered, she is not the king's personal servant. The first thing men want to know is if you're going to cook for them. Well sir, can you fix the A/C without calling the repair man? How about the car? Can you build anything? Are you a farmer, will you grow all our food? If you can call the repair man, the mechanic, a carpenter, and buy our food supply, why can't I call a chef? Better yet, can you cook? What happens when I get sick?

One guy had the audacity to tell me he had to follow his parents rules, then he had to listen to his boss, so when he got home he wanted to be the boss. Sir, how you think I feel? You think I didn't have parents? Do I wanna come home and get bossed around by my husband after being bossed around by my boss? Do you have boss money so that I don't have to work, therefore I don't have to put up with a work boss and you? Those think piece authors probably ready to call me a golddigger right about now. If you can't afford to give me the life style I'm used to without me having to go to work, too, we're partners. That means we both have to alternate between royal treatment and servant duties.

A Shallow Approach Begets A Shallow Response

I don't know why I didn't put this first, because this seems to be the reason I don't like majority of guys that approach me. We haven't had a single conversation, but I "seem cool" and "[you] wanna get to know [me]." I have had guys spend entire conversations on superficial things and then get mad when they get rejected for a superficial reason. If all I know about you is what you look like and you ask me out, I can only decide based on what you look like. If you spent the conversation talking about your favorite football teams after I told you I really only watch basketball, why would I want to talk to you again? If you spent the entire conversation telling me I'm beautiful/cute/pretty/whatever, what I am to think except that you are interested in me as a object to look at and have no interest in me as a person (or that you've made the assumption I have low self-esteem—I don't)?

I would much rather hear you talk about how much you want to save the whales, or some major project you've been working on. Tell me about your favorite book. Tell me about your dreams and your hobbies. Go ahead and hit the controversial subjects, tell me why Bill No. Whatever grinds your gears! I want to hear something real. If you didn't tell me something real, I forgot our conversation. Therefore, if you weren't Idris Elba or Morris Chestnut fine, I probably forgot about you... #SorryNotSorry

Do You Know Jesus?

So the only thing that makes dating harder than being an independent woman, is being a Christian woman. I'm not talking about the girl who goes to church every week, but never spends time with God. I'm talking about the type of Christian woman who's actively trying to make sure God is 1st in all areas of her life. I'm talking about the type of Christian woman who studies the Word the same way I studied for my dissertation. I'm not losing my place in the Book of Life over a nice smile and some abs.

*Cue all the think pieces about independent women not being submissive and all the twisting of Biblical verses to remind us that we're supposed to submit to our husbands.*

People are quick to quote "wives submit to your husband," but they aren't so quick to point out the myriad of other verses on marriage needed to get an accurate picture. There are several verses that explain Eve was made for Adam, not the other way around. Adam was unhappy without a companion, so God made Eve. Almost every verse that commands women to submit to their husbands is followed by a verse instructing men to love their wives. Do you know what love means? It means placing their needs about your own. It means wanting to see them happy. For Adam it meant eating a forbidden fruit and risking death (1 Timothy 2:14). Loving someone is not ruling over them with an iron fist and dictating every minute detail of their life. Paul actually says it's better for both male and female to remain unmarried. He reminds us that a married woman's desire is for her husband, but a single woman's desire is for God...

The only way I can submit to you is if I know you're following God. No, you can't just go to church to appease me, or pray over the food because that's what you've been taught. I need you to be on fire for God; I need to trust that you're getting your orders from Him before I'm going to give up my autonomy to follow you who knows where. I need to know that you understand what it means to love (agape), and are willing to honor God's command to love me.

A Project For Change

You know the most irritating thing a guy can do or say? Anything that suggests he's trying to change me when I haven't asked to be changed. If we're talking about how I'm horrible at sports and you offer to show me some stuff, if I want, that's sweet. If I tell you I don't like dancing and you tell me you're going to teach me how to dance, you're not listening to me. If you actually use the phrase "I'm going to change that," about something related to my personality, you've probably sunk your ship.

My purpose in life is not to change and bend to suit your likings. God made me to be me. If there's something about my personality you just can't deal with, I wasn't made for you. Don't waste my time, or your own, talking about how you're going to change me. Simply admit it's a deal breaker and move on.


Photocredit: Images
A lot of women are waiting on their Boaz, but I'm not. I understand that I have a purpose in life, and my focus is on building my relationship with God so that I can realize that purpose. Part of that purpose may be to support, love, and lift up a husband. It may not. I'm not settling for any old Tom, Dick, or Harry. I'm not trying to wake up one morning regretting that I've wasted time on someone. I'm not compromising my values and beliefs. God made Eve for Adam, so if I become the woman God intends me to be, I'm right where I need to be.

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