Introduction

This episode is the result of three very distinct thought processes colliding. Thought process #1 was triggered by me studying The Bride of Christ for my Woman of God series. Thought process #2 was triggered by a friend announcing he and his wife were getting a divorce. Thought process #3 was triggered by a book I read a while back called Misreading Scripture With Western Eyes. Somehow, last month they all collided into the thought that marriage is about sacrifice.

Compromise vs. Sacrifice

I was fortunate to grow up around lots of married couples and witness committment in real life. However, the thing I remember most about what they and the church taught about marriage is that it is about compromise. "You can't always have things your way so you have to be willing to compromise." A compromise occurs when both people get a little of what they want and give up a litter. For example, let's say I I had a husband who loved living in the city while I love country living. A compromise would be living in the suburbs; he would get some of the perks of city living and I would get some of the perks of country living, but neither of us would be getting 100% of what we wanted. Compromise can be hard, but most of us can manage it.

Sacrifice on the other hand, requires people to give up something entirely for the other person. A common case for this might be giving up a dream job to stay in the same location as your spouse. Sacrifice requires us to be selfless and can be tricky because this is usually where resentment starts to fester in relationships.

22 Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are parts of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:22-33 NASB

The Community vs. The Individual

Western society is very individualistic. We value our individualism and are raised to prioritize our own needs over the collective. In the book I mentioned earlier,[1] the authors discuss how different the experience was attending service in a country where the community or village is the focal point. In many places, people are raised to do what is best for the community, but in the United States we are taught to "follow our heart." A great example of this is in Mulan 2 where the princesses of China are set to have an arranged marriage, which they agree to out of duty to their country and station. Meanwhile Mulan's persepective is that everyone should be free to "follow their heart" and make decisions based on their own personal wants and desires. There are pros and cons to both.

Irreconcilable Differences

The nail in the coffin for my friend and his wife was their inability to agree on whether they should or should not have kids. It's a common issue in today's society and one that requires sacrifice if the couple plans to stay together. Many people will argue this conversation should be had upfront, and while I agree, people change. Someone may be fine with not having kids at 25 but change their mind at 35. Similarly, someone might want kids at 25 and change their mind by the time they're 35. Just because it is discussed upfront doesn't mean things won't change. Another related caveat is in the case of a couple that wants kids but is unable to concieve disagreeing on adoption and surrogacy. It's...complicated.

The Collison of Thought

As somone who was raised in the west, I trend toward individualistic ideas but reading Ephesians 5:22-33 I realized that this mindset isn't necessarily conducive to the love described here. Martial love is a call to sacrifice. Many in the west enter marriage on the condition that it benefits them; the moment it becomes inconvenient they're out. As hard as it is for me to say this, disagreement over whether to have a child or not is not listed as reason for divorce in the Bible. From a the point of view of a believer, this is a pray and fast and wrestle within yourself type of situation. The Holy Spirit should lead the couple one way or the other, but at the end of the day one person is going to have to sacrifice their desire out of love for the other person. Our culture and our church isn't preparing us for this.

References and Footnotes

1. E. Randolph Richards and Brandon J. O'Brien. Misreading Scripture with Western Eyes: Removing Cultural Blinders to Better Understand the Bible. July 31, 2012