Introduction

Before we dive in, I want to warn you that this isn't a happily ever after testimony. This isn't the story of how I fasted and prayed and waited and then my spouse appeared. This is the story of ups and downs, of wrestling with God, of heartbreak and disappointment, yet still finding faith.

I've been single for majority of my 37 years of life, but I didn't really start thinking about it until I was in my late 20's (as so many of us do). My mom and dad married when she was 28 and he was 31—they dated for 3 year before getting engaged, so it was at about 25 or 26 when I really started to feel "behind." I started looking at my life and wondering "how did I get here? why am I still single?" During that phase of life, the answer I came up with is I wasn't ready yet. During my early 20s I was doing alot of unlearnings: I stopped eating unclean meat, started watching what I watched or listened to, started keeping Sabbath, and overall shifted from a more "lukewarm" mindset to actually putting God at the center of my life. I thought perhaps, God had withheld a spouse so that I could grow and develop the spirtual discernment to recognize a good spouse.

But by 26 or 27, most of the major changes had already happened and I felt like surely, now I was ready. As I approached 29, I thought maybe God was waiting for me to finish grad school. All of the women in the Bible are doing what they're supposed to do when they get married, so I thought when I am where I'm supposed to be, He'll make my husband appear. I graduated from grad school at 29, joined a young adult community 2 weeks after I relocated for my new job (that I had prayed about), and was convinced I was going to meet my husband at church. I busied myself in various ministries that I felt called to and church hopped with my friends. Three years went by and my husband never appeared.

At 32, I got laid off of my first job during the middle of COVID. God blessed me with a new job 20 hours away from my family, 20 hours away from the church community I had spent the past three years building. I trusted Him though, and I thought maybe Texas was where I was meant to be. I was able to find a nice country property like the one I had grown up on, and a small town with Southern charm. I was the farthest I'd ever been from home, but it felt like coming home. I thought, maybe I hadn't found a husband in South Florida because what I really need was a nice Southern gentleman. So I was hopefuly Texas was where I belonged. I spent another three years just as single as the three before and I started to lose hope.

By the time I made it back accross the country to be closer to family (now 34), I was resigned to the fact that I was either called for singleness or something was very wrong with me... The catch with the latter is, I really just haven't met anyone; it's not like I had been going on dates every week or even once a month and the guys didn't like me—I was single, single.

I have entered a new phase in this singleness period. Sometimes I am content to be single forever, sometimes I am angry at God, sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me, sometimes I feel like something is wrong with the world... The following are three passages that keep me anchored and bring me peace.

Unconditional Love

We all know that Ephesians 5:22 says "wives submit to your husbands" but recently this verse unlocked something powerful in my spirit. If you read the whole of the passage, you'll see it talk about husbands loving their wives, but more importantly, you'll see Paul explain that the relationship between husband and wife is like the relationship between Christ and the Church. Specifically, Paul points to the fact that Christ died on the cross for the Church. Now, we could go off into many tangents about the latter parts of this passage, but that day I got hung up on the part about Christ dying for the Church.

22 Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are parts of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:22-33 NASB

1 John 4:19 says "we love Him because He first loved us" and Romans 5:8 says "But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." There is nothing we have done, will do, or can do, to earn the love and sacrifice we have received from Christ I have had my share of thoughts that I'm not holy enough, or that I failed some test God has given me and that's why I'm not married. I'm pretty sure the belief that I need to be perfect stems from purity culture, and even though I didn't grow up in a fundamentalist environment, I think any woman who grows up in the church is effected to some degree by this thinking. Nevertheless, the love between Christ and the Church does not require us to be perfect before Christ loves us, and Ephesisans 5 tells us that the love between husband and wife is supposed to work the same way...

I have witnessed people get married at various stages of their life. I have seen non-believers grow into belief together; and people who grew up in mainstream Christianity learn the truth of the Sabbath together. I have seen people who have the worst attitudes find a partner and settle down. People who are wonderful people and people who are horrible people alike, finding love and figuring it out. Yes, there are things wrong with me. I'm not perfect and I will never be perfect, but I don't have to be. If there is a husband out there for me, he will love me despite my flaws and help me to grow and overcome them.

Good Gifts

My first computer and my "Dalmatian"

I've been super blessed. Growing up, I did not want for anything—don't get me wrong, my parents were a big fan of the word no, but they made sure I had everything I needed and some of what I wanted. I know my parents said no sometimes, but I have a hard time making a list things I really wanted but never got. They might make me work for it or prove that I was responsible enough for something, but usually if I really wanted something eventually I got it. Except one thing: a Dalmatian.

When I was about 7 or 8, I was obssesed with 101 Dalmatains and I wanted a Dalmatian puppy.[1] What I got instead was a stuffed Dalmatian and a Windows 95 computer—pretty sure it was a Hewlett-Packard. Funnily enough, around that age I wanted to be a vet when I grew up. I even spent a day with our farm vet as a shadow around that time, which is how I learned what it means to put an animal to sleep and how I decided I did not want to be a vet... The trajectory my life actually took is that I earned a PhD in computer science.

So if you, despite being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!
Matthew 7:11 NASB

Both Matthew 7:11 and Luke 11:13 testify to the fact that even in our sinful nature, parents are able to give good gifts to their children (like a computer that enabled my career path) which means our Heavenly Father must be even better at giving gifts.

I have been overwhelmingly blessed in life. As a black woman, I was born in the only era in this country where I have any rights at all. I was born into a loving family, both immediate and extended. I've never experienced poverty, chronic health issues, or war. I've been successful in my career and I live in a safe neighborhood. God has given me everything I could want—except a husband. The same way my parents gave me everything, except a Dalmatain. That turned out fine, and this will too.

Even If...

The final passage I turn to is Daniel 3. This chapter tells the story of Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah (better known as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego). They are told to bow before an idol the king of Babylon has created, but refuse to do so. We often focus on the fact that God saves them while they are in the firey furnance, but I want to direct your attention to before they are thrown into the furnace.

16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego replied to the king, “Nebuchadnezzar, we are not in need of an answer to give you concerning this matter. 17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to rescue us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. 18 But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods nor worship the golden statue that you have set up.”
Daniel 3:16-18 NASB

Before the three men are thrown into the fire, they reject Nebuchadnezzar's offer to reconsider. In their rejection, they do not make the claim that God will save them. They state that God can save them. Their refusal to bow to this idol is not subject to God swooping in to save them from matyrdom; they are content to die for the Most High. Elsewhere in Daniel we see the phrase "he purposed in his heart" and that phrase is applicable here. These three men purposed in their heart that they would not bow to false gods, regardless of the consequence.

I have purposed in my heart to be faithful to the Most High. I know that He can provide a husband, but even if He doesn't, I will not turn away from Him.

References and Footnotes

1. I did end up getting a puppy that I sort-of stole (it followed me home and I never took it back) from my aunt many years later, but I never got a Dalmatian.