Unmarried at 36: What No One Tells You
32 But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; 33 but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to put a restraint on you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:32-35 NASB
Introduction
There are lots of Christian singles ministries and even Christian dating apps, all meant to help young Christians find love. There are bloggers and influencers sharing their stories about how they waited and prayed and their person finally came at [insert a random assortment of ages past 30]. Yet dating as a Christian comes with it's own set of unique challenges, and the deeper I've gotten into my walk, the more challenges I've found.
What Do You Want In A Spouse?
When I was a preteen, I went to a summer camp at one of the local churches where they actually tried to talk about dating. In particular they did this exercise where they listed out different traits you might want in a partner. Each trait was given a semi-arbitrary value (in dollars). We were given a budget, so we could choose what traits we wanted. There are a lot of nuances missing in the exercise but the overall point is that no one has everything. We're all imperfect. Also, there are certain things that are more important to us, and this list isn't going to be true for everyone.
This simple idea, is what fuels most conversations about single women, particular those of us over a certain age. The first thing people typically say is that our standards are too high or we are too picky. As we age, we form a list of non-negotiables—things that are automatic deal breakers. These are things you cannot live with and you are unwilling to compromise on. Something that should be in this list for believers is that the other person is also a believer (per scriptures about being unequally yoked). While I think it's important to spend time reflecting on our standards and non-negotiables, I do not agree that simply because you are having trouble finding someone who fits them, you should lower them.
The uncomfortable truth is, you must be attracted to your spouse and you must enjoy spending time with your spouse. It is easy to say you're going to scratch this or that off your list, but you can't make yourself enjoy someone's company nor can you make yourself physically attracted to a person. If you aren't attracted to certain things, you just aren't attracted to those things. If it's really important to you that you have a big family, then that's important to you—it's not just going to go away.
Miscommunication
One of the issues with how we discuss dating is miscommunication and misunderstandings that happen as we experience life. I have two stories to share with you that depict this in my own life.
All Women Care About is Height?
I was in a young adult group that was more heavily schewed toward female than male and most of us wer single. At one of our events, the topic of conversation turned to one of the few single men in the group (who was not present for the conversation). All of the guys present believed none of us were interested in dating him because of his height. While yes, there were ladies in my circle who said they would not date a man shorter than them, that was never the topic of conversation about him. We were always talking about how rude he was. The guy had a horrible personality.
It's easy for us (both men and women) to project our insecurities on to a situation. It's easy to say someone does not like us because of something shallow that we have no control over. However, it is difficult to admit that we have faults. It is difficult to say a person doesn't like us because we have something wrong with our personality.
I Don't Like You Because...?
When I was younger, like early 20s, I couldn't always articulate why I didn't like someone. However, people always want to know why. In grad school, my friends kept trying to play matchmaker with me and a guy in our friend group. They thought we would make a good couple because we both decided to wait until marriage for sex. I did not like him. They all wanted to know why, but I didn't have a specific answer at the time. All I could give them was he's too quiet or he's not attractive. Anyone persent for those conversations might look at me today and have lots of opinions about why I'm single based on those answers. The truth is, though, in hindsight, I didn't find him attractive because he was complacent. He went with the status quo and didn't question anyting. I was in the beginning stages of unlearning all the false teachings in the church and going deeper in the word, but he was happy just listening to his pastor. That was what bothered me about him, even though I couldn't put a finger on it at the moment.
I'm sure he is not the only guy I wasn't been able to accurately pinpoint a reason for disliking and I'm betting I'm not the only person (male or female) who has had this problem in my youth. It leads us to teaching people incorrect things about attraction. He might have walked away with the opinion that I thought he was boring and applied that to the fact that he didn't drink or party, but that wasn't the actual issue. These experiences shape our views on dating and maybe even our personalities in some cases!
Challenges
The red pill community says women are more attractive and thus more valuable when they're young—the truth is, we're more naïve when we're young. If you had met me when I was 18-24 and asked me what was or wasn't important in a relationship, you would have gotten very different answers than you would receive now. Primarily, I would have told you that respect goes a long way to cover differences and that I was perfectly fine dating a man from a completely different religion (as long as he respected my beliefs). 36 year old me finds spiritual compatibility to be one of the most important aspects of a relationship (and also the hardest).
Ever since I shifted from being someone who simply attends a service once a week to someone actively pursuing my relationship with God, dating has be exponentially harder.
The Bible tells us not to be unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14), and I believe that speaks to more than just faith. There are lots of aspects that come together when people join in marriage and it can only work if there is balance and harmony. Equal yoking likely applies to a host of concepts, not limited to, culture, views on finances, goals, etc. Two people can be on the same page about faith and religion, but have wildy different ideas about how their families will come together or where they will live or who will do what work in the house. The major challenge I've found is finding compatibility around a broad area as opposed to just one area in life.
Men Who Aren't Christian
Even though I desire a man of God, I have definitely met men who've made me question my resolve that my future husband has to be a beliver. For lack of better words, the men who fall into this category check all the boxes except being a believer. They're kind and respectful; I can have fun with them and dive into interesting conversations. However, they either believe in a different god, or they don't believe at all. These men can't be the spiritual head of the house as outlined in Ephesisans 5:22-32 and while I may be able to have theological conversations with these men, I can't get spiritual guidance from them because it's all "theory" in their mind. A relationship with one of these men would require compromise in my relationship with God. A relationship with one of these men would require the one thing that is supposed to be part of every aspect of my life, to need to be removed from my marriage. That is the pennacle of unequally yoked.
"Christian" Men
So, as a believer, I of course want a fellow believer for a husband. The nuance here is that there a lots of different "types of Christian" (now would be a great time to listen to the podcast episodes Are You A Christian? and Who Can Rightfully Call Themselves Christian?).
- There are people who claim Christianity; generally these people will define belief and faith by church attendance. If you ask them about their faith or their belief, it's usually going to turn in to what church they go to (or don't go to) and how often they go. They aren't consistenly reading the Bible or praying.
- Another type I've encountered are mainstream indoctrinated. These people do more than simply show up each week, but they've been so steeped in mainstream churches that they actually believe the pagan lies that have infiltrated the church. Often, when presented with truths from scripture and history, they double down on the pagan theology they've been taught from infancy.
- Lastly, there are the people who are actively pursing a relationship with God and open to learning whatever the Holy Spirit teaches.
Finding people in that third category is difficult. I typically find people in categories 1 and 2. People in category 1 aren't that different from the non Christian men I talked about. before, they're just more likely to agree to go to a chruch service every once in a while. Interestingly, this is also the group of Christians that has been most supportive of waiting until marriage for sex.
I have a lot of Christian friends and while a large number of the female ones waited (or are waiting) for marriage, only two of my male Christian friends actually waited. In my dating experience "Christian" men have actually been more likely to expect and require premarital sex in relationships.
Another thing that pops up frequently within "Christian" men, is misogyny. The church has been teaching men that women's only value is being whatever their husband wants them to be, so it is not surprising that even during the dating phase, "Christian" men have adopted this atttidue. In the recorded episode, I shared an experience where a young man sided with his dad after his dad cheated on his mom and reneged on promises made to the mom. Another "Christian" man was completely unconcerned after I told him I'd expereinced a death in the family.
#QTNA
At the end of the day, I generally feel as though if I want a husband, I'll have to choose between someone I feel actually cares for and respects me or a man whom I put up with because we agree in theory about God. Perhaps it's a call to faith, to truly trust and believe that a man exists out there who fills the basic description of decent and believer, but I don't have any answers in this episode; I'm just relaying experiences.
Footnotes & References
- Ree Hughes. "Are You a Christian?". PSALMS to God. February 2, 2022
- Ree Hughes. "Who Can Rightfully Call Themselves Christian?". PSALMS to God. January 30, 2023
Love, Marriage, Podcast, Relationships, Season 6
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